What could I say?
She let the clock do the talking.
I can’t listen to the tick.
Desperate to hear words
My mind won’t click into gear.
I ask myself what I want to say.
My mind isn’t that.
Constant chaos. Fire leaks through me.
I hope you are well.
And I do
But is it enough
Does it really matter?
Hope is the water that calms my fire.
Ticking is my enemy that winds me up.
Everything is changing.
Nothing is certain.
I’ll ‘hmmm’ like the Witcher
Because isn’t life a bitcha?
If you turn to stone
You’ll get weathered and old.
But if you flow like water
Your youth will never falter.
Destiny is waiting
For you to grab the reins
So I ask you my dear,
Please keep me near.
Set in her ways.
Knows exactly how she likes things.
And has fantastic taste in music.
The crocodile with curly hair is an amazing creature.
Unique in her outlook; she is quite friendly once she’s comfortable.
There’s an entire universe in her head.
In that vast space lives a young cat.
With her nearest and dearest; she is loved by everyone.
Quiet, but caring, she can snap at those less understanding.
Be careful crocodile. Your teeth are sharp and strong. You might just eat everything and everyone!
So I remember this rhyme:
Crocodile with her cat in space.
Will always beat you at cards.
She has up her sleeve an ace.
If that doesn’t work she’ll fire a laser from mars!
I wonder what you are doing. Are you feeling good?
I hope you have a smile on your face. Are you at ease?
Call me in the night and tell me everything.
I don’t want to just live for myself.
Lemon rind. Lemon juice. Slices for drinks. Seeds for a new tree. Don’t waste your time.
There’s nothing better I’d rather do. Than spend my time talking to you.
Watch the waves roll in on a moonlit summer night. Breathe in; breathe out.
‘Sharing is caring’ I now say. Instead of ‘You will be the death of me’.
I have learned this and that. I actually learned most of it from my cat.
Do you believe in the things you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, or hear?
Have you ever had a conversation with the wind only for your words to be blown back in your face?
Confusion and disillusion. Is this from my mood or my past?
You don’t understand anything about me. You’re in for a shock.
How can I speak sentences when you acknowledge my every word?
I get it you are listening. So why is taking an interest so one sided?
When I sleep you seem more interesting but you’re so anonymous I miss you even when you are there.
Before we lost it all we had everything but each other.
I hope you can heal and not make the same mistakes twice.
I wanted you to be mine for forever but you assumed I did not.
Yes, you learned I am not perfect. Now you have moved on. Ask him before assuming.
* * *
I can’t write. I wish I could write. I don’t want to write. I don’t need to write. I can put a smile on someone’s face.
* * *
A flicker from a candle.
Steam rising from a mug.
A cold evening with no heating.
I’m not doing everything I should.
* * *
Experience from my fleshy brain doesn’t matter.
Material. Numb. Medicated and subdued.
People are afraid of me. People hate my labels.
I cannot convince them all.
Universal consciousness abandoned.
* * *
Typing on my laptop makes a rhythmic beat on my keyboard. Exquisite, until I need a word I can’t spell.
Lets blow our North wind on those in the capital enjoying the fruits of our labour.
We can defeat corruption with solidarity, unity, and fairness.
Educate the masses to the hypocrisy of the ruling class.
Channel this anger into kindness and causes that cease suffering.
She wants to run away
Into a strangers arms
Weaponised love; accepted
Her parents don’t care
Grandparents say she can cook
That’s her pitch
What will happen once you arrive
Lost and stranded
Strange land; distant people
She does it because she will care
Barely an adult; thin promise
A hope of better quality of life
Cut paper; cut fingers
Blood on her letters
She’s lost control; the words are empty
She wants an empty suit
A man who works
A leaf on the tallest tree
What is she after
She doesn’t know; she knows that much
Do you believe in radical acceptance?
Well think about it. It could help.
The world will be out to get you wherever you run. You cannot hide from yourself. Where can you go to seek shelter from pain? Within. In peace. In constant love. Conceptual romance. No bonds or knots. Alone or together. You will be fine. You will be at rest.
Ghoul under my skin
Tell her my secrets
Make me question everything
Ol’ time radio 1998
Worn out side B
Digital watch never ticks
Fuck me sideways
I’ve forgotten my glasses
Lost resting on my head
I let you out
When I shout to you
I say nothing
I keep my mouth shut
Stapled; filed away
Along with the false and fragile
Agonising about the future
I feel pain in my shoulder
No sleep ever again
I slept well
Last night I sewed
Embroidering life lessons
Scarf face mask
I will not steal
Closed shop. Too much wind.
Walls and mazes
Just let me
finish licking my fur
Then feed me
Petal in a book
for future reference
Give me a smile
not mine to receive
a delicate frown
Saved from myself
the same meal
yesterday’s best moment
With a friend
quick to react
gain and loss
Playing a game
never letting go
You hold it in a dream
With a cry
A stifled supressed scream
Year of the pig
The cleverest beast
No future is clear
Even looking east
Isn’t my body
Not good enough
Feeling myself shoddy
Wait ten mins
Keep in touch
I’ll write them down
A rainbow opposite the sun as the rain patters down on my yellow coat.
As I splash through the puddles rings erupt radiating from the drop’s root.
A brown tree drinks silently in this weather its inhabitants shelter, mostly, from the damp.
The purple plastic pollution that litters the ground looks like a human horror show.
We will wake the mammoths from the permafrost. The lakes will rise from the glaciers. The oceans will grow eroding all before them. Youth will suffer. Their children will suffer more. Will we do nothing?
Let’s drown our hatred and anger.
Seeing red mist float above the ever swelling sea.
No fish left. A bluebottle flies over plastic soup.
Let’s get in the water and swim for our lives.
Equality further away. Social division. Maths ignored at school; replaced by patriotism. Debt ever increasing. The few are taking control. Support is falling apart and our health is taken for granted. Will we do nothing?
Watching the world from your white house on the hill.
We hate you and all you stand for.
Wet from your ignorant spew we can turn you green.
A change from the orange burn of your hostile heated hatred.
What will we do?
A ghost in my left hand. Air in my right.
A fight for my mind starts and lasts all night.
Why should I do this? I don’t have to do that?
A cat gently breathing. Waking up. Emergency lick of it’s leg! Back to sleep.
I’m sorry if it seemed I didn’t care.
I really did. I just didn’t know I had to lick my leg.
I have new plans but I miss you.
A boy watches silhouettes walk around the neighbour’s house.
The light’s on in the bedroom. Are they alone tonight? Or tomorrow or any given night this week?
Night windows show the post declutter calm. A sad anticlimax and an empty room. Lonely footsteps back and forth. A wait of the modern age.
They don’t care if they don’t reply. He can’t see the tears landing on their phone. Waiting for a message while they sleep. It is folly.
In the past I have been described as all these things by friends, lovers, relatives etc.
A gift to womankind
Creepy and weird
A god amongst men
The most genuine man alive
It’s a mixed bag
When noisy adoration turns to quiet respect, what can I do except try not to repeat old bad habits, accept what I have and make the best of it. I’m in a good place despite feeling loss and melancholy.
There is something to be said for being alone and happy, even if have the company of my cat, I should appreciate what I have achieved to feel this contentment. It is a great standpoint to fight any unwanted thoughts.
Emotions that were nurtured by a significant other can easily unravel when they have left. There is an argument that God has left us at the big bang or whatever happened back then. Is she dead? Is she bitter and ignorant ? It is of no consequence. Look after what we still have left of that creation and create for ourselves.
Love is from nowhere and if any potential higher power can use it so can we. Plucked from the abyss like a hair from my never ending eyebrows. What is it that smells so good. Something that satiates our satisfaction for life. Petrichor after a summer shower. Or rotting leaf mold in the crispy autumn calm. It’s all worth appreciating.
What the fuck am I talking about? I may be uttering pretentious high powered nonsense but I’m just clearing my throat.
You cannot block the flow of life.
You can regulate it or change it’s future course.
You cannot change where it has been.
You can choose to focus on the bits you really like.
I can form ideas but cannot express them.
Conceptual secrets I want to share.
I invite you to my lair.
Absorb all my creativity.
Feed from me. Feed from me.
The crucifying pain I carry in my head.
I’d smash it against stone walls until I drop down dead.
The pulsating murder of horror in my brain.
If only it would drown; deep in never ending rain.
I cannot walk. I cannot see.
Humanity’s hatred rules do not dare blame me.
I cannot hear. I cannot pee.
I’m fit to burst with rage; unforgivingly.
I want to die.
I can’t continue.
My mind has gone.
My rotting organs, a congregated retinue.
Let me go. I cannot wait.
My hatred burns all my mates.
I ruin everything don’t let me go.
I need you more than you know.
What whispers do you hear in the wind?
When your mind withers and you are just a bag of meat.
An object of lust for envied eyes.
Or a welcome companion to a loved one.
Horses canter through the field.
Playful nights and days in the elements.
Cold in the outside setting sun.
Moving brings health and warmth to those who come.
Such a lovely place.
On a hill with trees, bracken and heather.
Lone cow wanders.
Such solitude is healing.
Shared adventures postponed.
Lives split and shared more thin.
A calloused finger runs down my chest.
I don’t recognise this touch.
What is darkness to those lost in the wilderness.
A habitable home full of comfort and hope.
We survive here.
A solace of familiar weather.
Home at last.
*Until we all inevitably die, alone, suffering in the tremendous agony of what feels like an wasted eternity.
*Added for a friend who prefers a sad ending.