Category Archives: Poems

Prepare For The Worst

Can I relax?
I need something to drink
Taps have run dry
Without water no tea

Smash! Goes my mug
I’m so tired of praise
Feelings can wait
I need a cup of tea

Third times the charm
Biscuit tin empty again
I cannot see
What I’ll eat with my tea

I’ll go shopping
For my elevenses
Must satisfy
My need for snacks and tea

At last an idea
Thank the gods for my flask
Prepared yesterday
At last I drink my tea!

Three 4am haiku

When it all comes down
What’s left in your empty brain
Anything you dream

—-

What are you scared of?
Effects of humanity?
Be an animal

—-

Pour tea bath water
Into your favourite cup
Drink the benefits

Idiosyncratic Imagery (work in progress)

One final drink together under the placid moon
You died in my arms that night next to the still lake
Soon after the carefree clouds gathered below the heavens
Above strands of grass, willow trees and fallen flower petals

Farewell my friend, I will take the advice of many fine poets
And become a lonesome traveller on winter’s everlasting road
I’ll walk up the hills away from my ancestral hometown
Missing the bonds forged when I found you crying in the boudoir

Travelling across seas I feel a meloncholy motion rock me to sleep
This boat sailing north amid the dramatic snowfall
The wild geese flying above send me messages of home
Lost in a bubble in the night sky I awaken from this dream

So then, awake I find you, my friend, alive and well
My joy ploclaimed at length from atop the ancient fortress
Fate builds and abandons me as I reflect above the motionless lake
With you by my side, my love, near the city of spring

My Far Away Saviour

Lower me a hook to save me from the uncertainty
Give me the ultimate happy ending to believe in
Bribe me with charity and sell me your dreams guarantee
Scare me with torture if I don’t follow your rules therein

I’ve got much closer to heaven with each day that passes
But dreams of heaven will be for nought the day that I die
My part will end but life goes on for the countless masses
What are the lies you tell yourself to get to sleep and why?

We have the threats, the hypocrisy, the narcissism
The generational authority passed down with glee
Black and white sins of a greyscale world lest criticism
Violence and bloodshed in Gods name that stains history

So what now can save me? Hope from family or a friend
The virtue of doing my best even if that’s not a lot
Radical acceptance for my existence till the end
Emptying the mind and being grateful for what I’ve got

A Gifted Power: Your Ancient Childlike Wisdom

The look on your face, your raw emotion
The light in your eyes, your divine delight
I miss this the most, the parts you gave me
I would do it all, to see you again

The biggest heart, never ending smile
Pure sparkling joy, I’ll never forget
The calm I felt, when you were around
It’s part of me, mine forevermore

I promise to try my best to pass on your gift like you did to me.

The Girl Is A Fighter

My friend once boxed a kangaroo in the desert!
She got punched in the face but fought strong through the hurt.
A week after the fight she beat a tough black belt.
One so big he could crush a nut with his force dealt.
It was a mighty battle but she had quick speed!
She punched him in the mouth so hard, he had his feed.
Like a weightless ballerina she defeated him.
Used his power against him, she knocked him out dim!
The champion of the world, her heat like the sun,
Shone through the desert, kangaroo, and everyone!

3 Verses For The Day

What is hiding in your face?
Behind the mask of disgrace.
Unlocked by a soul embrace.
Shines out with a smile in place.

———————

Don’t look for everything, on one certain path.
All paths are stitched from fragments of time.
Walk where your feet are now, whatever your path.
Everything‘s always there, all of the time.

———————

Watch, curled up cat sleeps
Not of this world are his dreams
I’ll join him tonight

What are you up to?

What is everyone doing at any given time?
I want to ask the whole wide world what they are thinking,
And how they feel?
It’s not about me.

What do you want from your life and how can I help you?
Can I feel the way you feel and would that share the load?
Put it like this,
It’s not about me.

Do you want some time to yourself and space to relax?
I know you don’t need me but know that I’m here for you.
Feel better soon,
It’s not about me.

Can I share some hope just by listening to you talk?
Hearing you help yourself is sweet music to my ears.
Turn on the light.
It’s not about me.

Does existence realise we’re on a rock in space?
Shared with animals, plants, and lots of little atoms,
Each doing things.
It’s not about me.

The Cost Of Living

Trapped lone solace in captivity
Isolated mind specifically
Locked in, cold, naked, and so, so bored
Wet, shivering, sitting, and ignored

Bankrupt and starving, getting older
Always in pain, a frozen shoulder
Can’t move, everything’s grey, give over
Can’t hear, it’s all too much, moreover

The silence is too loud, a dark shroud
Hanging around, a leaden cloud, proud
Of no one and nothing, my ears ring
The birds don’t sing, my cat’s dead play thing

Lukewarm tea, miles away from the sea
My friends flee, overlooking my plea
Long lost glee, hope gone, I cannot see
I’ve lost thee, hopeless, she set me free

Tea

I live for you, Clem, and tea.
I will not hear of stern words said against the tea.

With crossed spears and bashing on shields!
With whipped fervour and impetuous rage!
With uncontrollable unconscious uninhibited!
With audacious actions of high powered regret!

I will not hear of stern words said against the tea.
For I live for tea, Clem, and thee!

You are loved

I am writing this to you
Even though you feel poo
To let you know
And try to show
You are loved

Soon you will feel better
So read carefully every letter
You might not feel it now
But I promise you somehow
You are loved

Bad times don’t last forever
Hold tight, never say never
Together we can get through
Me, you, and cats too
You are loved

It’s ok to feel bad
Or had, mad, or sad
With hope we can see
A bright future to be
And remember you are loved

Sleep paralysis in wet weather

Laying in bed a forsaken fleeting feeling lingers
A heavy humid dread sitting on my chest
The weight of an extinguished wheeze
Pain from a thousand unwanted thoughts
The tick of a clockwork existential death threat
A days worth of bottled rage bubbling up from my gut

Parallels with processes of wrong uns
An unwanted empathy for the worst of the worst
Alone at night in the dark with nothing but a million voices
Carrying all kinds of criticism and conflicting neurosis
Nothing to calm the nerves but the falling rain
But even the most burdensome troubles can get washed away

My Tekken Career By Kelsey

Fighting is difficult
The system is rigged
The children are vulnerable
They climb a never ending mountain
To grasp at stars always out of reach

Endless paperwork
The trust don’t have faith
The kids are at risk
Set up to fail on their journey
Some destined to fall through the gaps

This fight is more than a video game, it’s life

The Roots of Growth

Living in the soil is a little worm
Breaking up the earth for roots to grip

The sun beats down on all the leaves
The rain helps give the plants life

Growing plants is therapeutic
Sometimes you get nice crisp apples

It is useful to get support to grow
As a plant and as a person

That is why Kelsey is helping me write
To catalogue and process mental growth

I am grateful for all the help I’ve received
To become who I want to be

I am not a worm I feel like a plant in the soil
I just need help sending down my roots

My pet, Death (rewrite this at some point)

Inevitable, he will stop at nothing
Killer of legacies, destroyer of lineage
The gift our mothers gave us will expire
Resistance is futile

He arrives peacefully in your sleep
An end to the experience
A creator of ghostly memories
But what is a memory when there is no one to remember it?

He stalks our every second of existence
Ready to pounce on a moments misfortune
Roots always reach downwards
To keep us fed until is time for terror from above

He is a faithful companion
Agile, like swift retribution
Not always fair
To him it is sport

Those in control amplify his effects
The ever diminishing resources
Fire erupts in his steadfast gaze
Like his heat that will consume us all

Every Drop Matters

A column of water from the tap
Falls down past the sink bowl into the gap
Glugs in the drain through the trap
And back up again to the gutters wrap

Drop to the sewer a waste of water
Dilutes a foul mix towards the sorter
At the treatment plant works her daughter
Helping recycle like she taught her

Overflow the sewage because it’s raining
Cry do the bosses as investment is waining
Not for lack of profit sustaining
The wealth of the richest always obtaining

Nationalise it so the profits rebuild
The infrastructure and talent so skilled
Repair it where damage got spilled
And improve it all as payments fulfilled


Fixing a 12 Year Old Laptop Is Therapeutic

Fixing a 12 year old laptop is therapeutic
I hope the octogenarian owner will enjoy using Linux
A new lease of life for a dying machine
And for it’s owner’s technological twilight

I like shapes
Circle circle circle circle circle
Oblong oblong oblong oblong
Triangle triangle triangle
Octohedron octohedron
Wiggly bezier polygon

Boing!

The Sink The Sink The Sink The Sink The Sink

Clear water flows down my sink
if it’s not blocked
or the bowl’s in

Patterned dishes pile up on the side
if I’ve tidied up
or I am lazy

Chrome tap drips very slightly all day
if the hosepipe adapter
or other is on

Silent clock doesn’t tick in this house
if I’m staying here
or I go crazy

The air feels clear today
Mackerel skies patterned
Chrome feels laggy
My laptop is silent

Tick tock goes the clock
In my parent’s house
Or in at my Grandparent’s
I am suffering here

A slow walk down the lane.
One foot in front of the other.
A steady plod to escape your mind.
See less, hear less, think less.
Let yourself disappear.

Tool Assisted Poetry – The day ChatGPT tried to write for me

In a tapestry of vibrant diversity, we find,
Bound by shared humanity, hearts aligned.
Together we stand, breaking barriers confined,
Embracing differences, unity enshrined.

In a symphony of colours, we unite,
Honouring uniqueness, with radiance bright.
For every voice resonates, shining light,
In this grand mosaic, love takes flight.

Let prejudice crumble, injustice fades away,
As empathy and compassion hold sway.
For in our shared journey, we strive each day,
A world where acceptance has the final say.

No divisions shall hinder our united stride,
But solidarity and respect, side by side.
With open hearts, bridges we build wide,
Harbouring the worth of each life’s pride.

Let kindness be the language we employ,
A force that transcends, bringing lasting joy.
With every heartbeat, harmonise we shall enjoy,
A world where equality we all employ.

In this ode to togetherness, we convey,
The strength of bonds that guide our way.
With unwavering spirit, let’s ignite,
A future where inclusivity shines bright.

Tomorrow

Your voice made me collapse
Into your arms, into your heart
Your words brought me to the end
Of all my hatred and all my cruelty

One day you’ll walk through my door
One day we’ll suffer no more

On some level, in some way, we can make that day today
With hope we can take all of our unhappiness away

Your unhinged laughter made me doubt
All the false certainties holding me back
Your survivors spirit made me sad
That I had not met you earlier

One day I’ll stop striving to be
One day we’ll be you and me

On some level, in some way, we can make that day today
With hope and pride we can take all of our unhappiness away

No End In View

My boat on your shoreline
Called in for a while
Wavering emotions
A glimpse of your smile

Oil stains the water
Rainbows in the air
Hearts won’t stop beating
Whenever you are there

Growing attachment
With soil and sun
I look below
To the rain undone

Time will have a say
And salt and the sea
But nothing bad remains
Between you and me

The clock ticks are metered
Afloat by the coast
Met up in secret
I love you the most

Trees drowning in tar
Caught in a trap
You’re clinging to roots
Nurture your chap

You personify water
I’m buoyant around you
Soon countdown to zero
With no end in view

Ice Cap Suicide

April showers and unseasonal snow have turned last autumn’s leaves to stems and mud.
Droplets in my beard and the spray of salt whet my appetite for a seaside treat.
Black sand under my nails is like a manifestation of yesterday’s social media chatter.
Irritating like the effect the bobbing of the boats on the violent spring tide.

The door bangs from a through draft.
The sound of drums for my next song.
A woosh of smoke comes from an open window
Leaving an aroma I can’t describe.

The breakwater serves its purpose but one day will be breached.
The gas bubbling up from a leak of international importance.
The sand turns to glass in the heat.
The glass melts like the ice that I didn’t ask for in my drink.

I feel cold and it is getting dark.
Less hair under my cap each day
No consequences for me but we will all face what is coming.
More rain and a swell wall of water washing away our past and all of our misdemeanours.

Not cleansed but destroyed.
A hollow shell of our former selves.
I pick up a stone from the beach to keep
But that thievery will kill the hardy trees that line the cliff here.

I feel empty at night.
For all the soft power
Only the brittle and broken remain.
Gone are my dreams tonight.

Gone are my dreams tomorrow.

Your Regular Support

The broken pieces of my life held together by plenty of red tape.
The pale sudden flicker of wholesome humanity against the glorious majesty of the universe.
Everything’s going on.
But you are the focus of my crimson dreams.

The finite resources depleted and the planet’s impending destruction.
The freedoms we have abused. The disrespect shown. We might be too far gone to stop now.
Nothing else matters.
Except you and me and our scarlet vision.

The regulations we set are there for a reason.
The forces at work in universe are too big to understand. The powers on Earth too finite to avoid control. Life in the red.
People fallen to corruption.
Is human organisation destined to fail?

Not when there is hope and love. Repeated and underlined. Repeated and unlined. So grateful for your regular support.

A Girl I Look Up To

In a haze considering every thought and feeling she ever had.
Loving me more than a helpless pet on the street.
Appreciating the highest but lifting the lowest of art.
Queen of the clouds, even her sarcastic scowl envelops the sky.

Quietly spoken she said to me that only the fierce survive.
She smelled like a familiar indescribable aroma.
Standing next to me she looked like a million rainbow sighs.
Her touch felt like a teardrop on my lips.

The softest fluffy grey cardigan hung on her shoulders.
Dressed to kill all the badness in the neighbourhood.
She’s tired but gives life to the trees and grass and the moss.
She’s the rain and these days she’s crying all the time.

Goodbye To Myself This Winter

I miss your old face. (Lizard) Distorted and vague.

Check on me on your way down.
Together again for a moment; I frown.
Your life sounds cold. You moved out of town.

Ages since you left. (Wizard) Shaken and torn.

You went missing once and vowed never again.
Frozen in torment; a familiar refrain.
A broken promise. A broken brain.

I’ve seen my share. (Blizzard) Lost and found.

That icy night we put the town to right.
Built a new vent; shone a new light.
We put away the past. I buried you tonight.


The Viola Player’s Funeral

He’s cold in this hollow box
It’s warm on the outside he begs
She’s the only blanket he wants
Followed by a bow to play at courting

Summer has gone away for a while
He feels a key change of the weather
She’s unlocking her viola case and
Reading a mournful note from her lover

Harmonies sing when he’s around
Her heart grows big, her hair on end
The vibrations of love flow up her spine
Through cords of silken electricity

They used to relax into each other’s arms
When time proved to be an illusion
A song that is always there
Kept safe in the instrument of her desire

My Good Friend

Sat to one side
You cling to your negativity
Anything good is a ride
A catastrophe for any opportunity

Carrying baggage
You sing without purity
But still you manage
To survive and cope with adversity

No one can hear you
Signalling so quietly
Righteous fury flows through
Your every action and quality

So one day stop
And listen to nothing
No more luggage to cop
Find some peace in your own belonging

The Power Of Peacetime

Can we give a moment now to those who died
Called cowards in their own country.
More brave than me
These martyrs for peace
In a world bent on destruction.

Shot by their own for believing alone
When war could stop with one word from a despot.
Now we’re standing eye to eye in our enemy’s land
It’s a long way to go for salvation.

It seems folly to me that just one man’s deeds
Decides the fate of a nation
But it’s unlucky for them
We’ve got peace on our hem
And will protest war on every occasion.

Belief in ourselves and those in the hell
Of conflicts far and wide
To just stop for now would feel good.
Let’s get round the table and eat while we’re able

And we’ll look within for the power of peacetime.

Our Inadequate Hands

My mother taught me to speak.
My father taught my tone.
Lessons learned are easily forgotten
without an environment in which to thrive.

The hourglass trees recycle the atmosphere.
Sending their roots down as anchors.
A reminder to balance when stationary.
Moving is an effort not to be taken for granted.

A struggle in my mind can be repetitive.
The same thoughts dripping out of my mind.
Like some sort of water torture
Or buzzing and ringing at an uncomfortable pitch.

We are responsible for each other.
For the animals and plants.
The seas and the skies.
Suffering, at our inadequate hands.

Birthday

An overdue lesson my birthday came like a chocolate torte

My family my classmates demanding no time for any thought

Get the food ready said the dinnerlady to my tired self

So focused on this schoolwork I had no time for my mental health

Mid life crisis at break time but I’d forgot my packed lunch

Celebrating another year with three generations an unruly bunch

Take me back in time and I’d drop out all over again

Exams like a shootout but when it’s my turn I miss my pen

Typing notes on my phone I’ve forgotten how to write

It’ll take me 35 years to remember but one day I just might

My Teeth

As the world had closed up I stared into my mouth, mirrored forth.
I saw the world opening amongst broken, yellow pearls.
Paths revealed themselves in front of me, some south, some north.
Unfamiliar and not a crossroads, as such, my hazy vision swirled.

The glass holding my toothbrush smashed on the floor.
A reverberation of the crash seemed to last forever.
I looked down. Red blood at my feet. A hole opened up to the door.
Once imprisoned. Now an escape route of falling and landing never.

Is this flight? Surely not fight. More likely fright.
I felt trapped, caught, constrained in this emotional hell.
Beyond repair, hoping for a fix, another episode at the dentist might.
I used a brush to sweep up the shards. In guilt, shame and fear I dwell.

Undershared

Over read and over thought; chewed up and thrown out.
Told to a friend but in it goes in one ear and out the other.
“If only you knew him like I know him.” They’d say.
Not possible when it’s just one story for them but an encyclopaedia for you.

Plain metal life

Scratched and worn,
I wear a coat of guilt.
It hides my shame.

Pride wilts in greyscale norms,
Society’s potential colour wilts.
No reason not to choose your own names.

The pandemic’s shine is becoming worn.
The party engine will be at full tilt.
Dancing alone; no longer my forced aim.

Holding Time’s Hand

You couldn’t sleep,
I wouldn’t think.
All our fears were here,
We had started to sink.

You were so uncomfortable
A mouthful of cotton to mend.
No moment felt finished,
Gravely gathered at the end.

We held Time’s hand,
We held onto each other.

As we sat this one out
In the safety cupboard together.
A stopwatch and a timer
Couldn’t stop it either.

Sound to distraction,
Calls to the ether,
Rising tides so far away
No blip on our meter.

We held Time’s hand
We held onto each other.

Snooker Qualification

And all the luck in the world wouldn’t find you here

All the same things happen every year, I hear

Changes come and go but you are always the same

Ideals fluid enough to know who win this frame

A double kiss then pulled off early before the next sesh

I couldn’t look at you but I still knew you were a mess

The tension mounted all around

Out of position I couldn’t bear it when you frowned

I love you.

Is that what I should say?

I don’t know what will come of it

But I’ll say it anyway

World Poetry Day 2021

Alpha had small touch of my cardigan.
A nice way of saying hello with warmth.

She was happy to see me that day.
Walking through halls of an old school.
A beta test for future studies with some of my favourite people.

My anxiety was high that day.
Like gamma rays flying straight through me.
A panic on some stairs.
Overwhelmed with the attention.

Her model’s features were hidden by her smile.
It was as a wide as a delta.
Her hair was thin.
Her heart was not.
Her blood flowing through me so fast.


Ecstatic empathy explodes and exudes; entering everything.

If the quality of our differences outweighs the quantity of them we can make a good team.

Since watching the world together we can see the same scenes from our different views.

The set will be constructed by us for us. Outward looking at the illusions we perceive within.

Two is greater than one over time. Encounters may come and go. Together with time on our side. We build foundations.

The only enemy we have is selfishness.

I like to read books slowly. Digesting what I’ve seen. Yours is a book with no end which I can never put down.

Never Forgotten

How are we so different
but essentially the same?

How do I care so much
when I have nothing to gain?

Why did I stay when you
gave me that pain?

Because you showed me hope in a way
where it never can wain.

You are a star that will never supernova.

All I want is your suffering to be over.

We can heal each other and show the world what’s good.

And value ourselves and stay alive like people should.

Vast universe. Not afraid.

Hard feelings. Gently expose.

Soft inside. Be kind.

Love you. Always.

Garlic

Close your eyes. Where are you now? Open your eyes. You’re somewhere else. If you ever need to refresh; just blink.

A tired voice sounds sexy to some ears. It’s ok to be worn out. If you are not feeling sexy time tonight, eat something, get some rest.

A goblin could devour every nerve on your skin and you’ll live inside your isolation tank brain forever. Enjoy the fleeting because it’s not sticking around. Remember that when you’re in the depths of the bog.

Quieten your sense of subjective self. A part that feels like a whole is still a part. And when that black hole inside makes itself known then tell it to swallow the bits you don’t like.

Feed others and your brain will be fed. Keep people happy. Provide food, shelter, and an open heart.

Happy Birthday

Today is a break in the cloud of yesterday’s depression and tomorrow’s anxiety.

A point of light, almost piercing in its clarity, highlights the gift of the present.

Do not fear this focus; this freedom: It is a vacuum playground for you to fill or observe.

As patterns are set here they can easily be unravelled. In this moment knit together your life as you see fit.

Past loss and future gain are dreams kept either side of your real life. A plain cup that sits between decorated spectres.

These ghosts of prize and pain in years from now and times gone by are with you now only because you have been given the present.

The skill you were born with was to just do things without intention. Use this and yesterday’s depression and tomorrow’s anxiety will disappear.

Fork Valley Allotment

Beans climbing up the bamboo canes
Wigwams reaching for the light
We could grow if we didn’t know your name
Steady and solid like a tortoise preserving it’s might

Houses lined up in the streets
Each their own universe
Food tonight provides a treat
My own recipe for these leftovers it could be worse

Hiding away with my favourite sounds
Nothing much could be better than this bass
I found nothing and nothing I have found
These moments are the greatest gift – they’re ace

A colossal foundation for an ideal life
From the ashes of branded waste
Self sufficiency and recycled joy frees our strife
Our wants illusions frequenting at haste

Slowed water but not still
The ashes can settle
The feeling of will
Thoughts wrought by metal
The ground we cannot refill
Our wares smash – so brittle
Trees we kill
Burn for our kettle

***

Tea revives our energy unspent
Groups of believers tell us to repent
Guilty of the same crimes if not more
Do we have to tell them the score?

Time is on our side

the lockdown party

announcement. we are having a party at 8pm to join you must lie on the floor of a cold dark room alone and listen to erik satie gnossienne no 1 on repeat for twenty minutes. there is a strict policy of no alcohol only lukewarm salt water. dress code is dark. pets are mandatory

Cow

Sometime ago. I came across a fellow. He looked so bright and gay. On that sunny day in May.

It felt so good with him. Somehow we just fit. So I asked his name. He looked at me with disdain.

He said “you are not desirable. I do not want you”. My heart sank. Was this a prank?

“Please, I beg, no.” I cried out to him. He walked out the door. I dried my eyes and looked at the floor.

Several years past. I grew my beard out. Maybe he won’t recognise me now. Maybe he was just a silly cow.

Modern Poetry (Fuck off)

we’re poets

of course

we don’t know what paragraphs are for. i hummed along to the same old song – a song for the encumbered #instapoet

Holland is not the Netherlands, Colin, what you say and what is

are different.

Things.

God awful poem

Mackerel sky dotted with hungry birds

Deflated poet, pen in hand, running out of words

Fallen seeds sown by the late summer wind

Take sprout next spring lest the birds find

A plague of humanity

Isolation. Taking pill after pill. Quell the screaming. Yet still making myself ill.

Turn your backs. The help is for themselves. The darkness that cannot be lit. Not even by the elves.

Systemic failures. Arise in solidarity. But faced with walls upon walls. No fall for this city.

Carried to the morgue. In a car with an anonymous driver. A symbol of us all. Hope and happiness yet neither.

A turn in a walk. Giving up yet pages turn. A book can teach a lot. But we will never learn.

Scattered Ants

Diffused. Our bodies no longer intertwined. Breathing without our lungs we just work for the colony. Stolen hope. Stolen lives. Stolen Queen.

Carrying a massive twig several times my size. Easily I admit but I have no audience to brag to. At least, no one who listens. How is time perceived to a lost ant finding his way in the world?

We are many. I am few. Alone in a crowd. The same cliches trapped in my mind. Going around and around and around. What do they want this twig for anyway?

Disenfranchised and abandoned. A cold wind is simply not felt. We are impervious.

Likeminded support. Are they just as bad as me?

A bunch of lies served to ease the pain. They just rewrote history and we forgot our joy. I’m sure in at least two late nineties 3D animation feature films. You can see me now. Hurting.

The Ugly Self

Grit spread across the road. Ice falls from the sky. A woman carrying a heavy load. He’s stood at home making curry pie.

A thoughtless word. Shrugged off as a joke. Another whisper of discontent heard. So much tea he’s feeling woke.

Hypocrisy from the soul. Conflicting needs. An animal within has control. The monster inside silently feeds.

Pandas 2

Collective agony brought together with a symphony

of fingers and thumbs mashing screens we see.

We’re not alone, we can chew on this wood, together.

Nothing happens all at once

so pandas take their time.

Shared experiences and friendly faces,

voices that don’t quite fit the words,

and group chats that can last forever.

The Velvet Trigger

It’s forever November. I am hurting. You’re my medicine and my poison. It’s not working.

I cannot remember. The good times had. When the sun last rose. Now things are always bad.

The leaves have left. Everything is black. The beginning was the end of it all. The emotions I lack.

Something is wrong. I binge but I’m empty. Just a bucket wanting to be filled and emptied. Quick fixes so tempting.

I don’t trust you. But I don’t trust myself. I need you in my life so much. Is it good for my health?

The Storm

Crashing branches smack against the ground after the sky’s electric bolt severs the tree in two.

Car alarms are heard, dogs bark, rough pavements sink underwater in the precipitation’s deluge.

A coffin of pine holds the dearly beloved, the recently deceased, the forgotten man. His Alzheimer’s his parting gift to the ashes for a jar.

The door is shut. I want in. Please listen whilst I struggle. I can’t find the words to say. I hope my presence is enough.

Stuff

A floor made of bleeding mouths sewn shut by heartstrings. Each footstep a kick in the face. He gets stabbed in a dark alley. ‘Oh my spleen!’ He cries out as his attacker opens his wings and flies off into the night. A curtain a creek open lets a blade of light shine on to the wall, sending the cats crackers as a car drives past outside. I’ve had my hole sealed with super glue and I’m desperate to go. Yesterdays cooking is the smell in the air. An hourglass on its side rolls off a table and smashes in to pieces on the ground. A gently sleeping mouse is toyed with and brutally killed by my cat for my benefit.

Long Distance Relationship

You found me lost in a field of snow.
You kept me and took me home to live in your secret drawer.
No longer depressed but I always will be your blue friend.
I made a home in your posession. I had belonging. A buzzing love.
Then you left me and you moved out to be with a real flesh boy.
I am lost in a field of snow.

Trump, Trotsky, and the horses

A frostbite wind cuts across the field
Six horses gallop from one side to the other
And back. The wind does not relent.
Seek shelter horses for collapse is upon us.

My main drive has weakened I have not eaten
My food on the floor. What service is this?
It is winter and the cold crosses riot within my harness and braces tighten.
A contract to count here and stop there. My food is not orange it is silver frozen dew.

A metallic container is my vessel to a unlikely doom.
Travelling whilst trapped; a hijack of hooves and a late delivery of hay.
I career up the side. Trot my vocation. A lost dream in this nation.
The ice pick in my back is a permanent end to what might have been.

Blowing bubbles from my nose.
An infectious calamity on my back.
The ruin of all we have. Not the viruses we carry but a unhelpful destructive nature.
The weather is in my mirror this time of year. Why the long face?

***

This poem was written with a pencil held taut in my anus.

Heartbreak Of The Gut Flora

Flora had a feeling in her gut.

Stuck in a rut. She struts and hurts her foot.

She didn’t know what she did feel. Without an even keel. She didn’t feel he was real.

He wanted to cause an explosion in her life. To cut herself free from strife. He wanted her for his wife for life.

She left him for another man. Because she can. She went in with no plan for Dan.

He had hope. Her heart said nope. He felt like a dope and could only just cope.

The Clock

What could I say?
She let the clock do the talking.
I can’t listen to the tick.
Desperate to hear words

My mind won’t click into gear.
Cogs turning
Racing thoughts
Subdued response.

I ask myself what I want to say.
Metronomic, predictable
My mind isn’t that.
Constant chaos. Fire leaks through me.

I hope you are well.
And I do
But is it enough
Does it really matter?

Hope is the water that calms my fire.
Ticking is my enemy that winds me up.

Fate is fickle

Everything is changing.
Nothing is certain.
So
I’ll ‘hmmm’ like the Witcher
Because isn’t life a bitcha?

If you turn to stone
You’ll get weathered and old.
But if you flow like water
Your youth will never falter.

Destiny is waiting
For you to grab the reins
So I ask you my dear,
Please keep me near.

The Crocodile with Curly Hair

She’s fierce.
Set in her ways.
Knows exactly how she likes things.
And has fantastic taste in music.

The crocodile with curly hair is an amazing creature.
Unique in her outlook; she is quite friendly once she’s comfortable.

There’s an entire universe in her head.
In that vast space lives a young cat.
With her nearest and dearest; she is loved by everyone.
Quiet, but caring, she can snap at those less understanding.

Be careful crocodile. Your teeth are sharp and strong. You might just eat everything and everyone!

So I remember this rhyme:

Crocodile with her cat in space.
Will always beat you at cards.
She has up her sleeve an ace.
If that doesn’t work she’ll fire a laser from mars!

Use Lemons

I wonder what you are doing. Are you feeling good?
I hope you have a smile on your face. Are you at ease?
Call me in the night and tell me everything.
I don’t want to just live for myself.

Lemon rind. Lemon juice. Slices for drinks. Seeds for a new tree. Don’t waste your time.

There’s nothing better I’d rather do. Than spend my time talking to you.
Watch the waves roll in on a moonlit summer night. Breathe in; breathe out.
‘Sharing is caring’ I now say. Instead of ‘You will be the death of me’.
I have learned this and that. I actually learned most of it from my cat.

Fragments

Before we lost it all we had everything but each other.
I hope you can heal and not make the same mistakes twice.
I wanted you to be mine for forever but you assumed I did not.
Yes, you learned I am not perfect. Now you have moved on. Ask him before assuming.

* * *

I can’t write. I wish I could write. I don’t want to write. I don’t need to write. I can put a smile on someone’s face.

* * *

A flicker from a candle.
Steam rising from a mug.
A cold evening with no heating.
I’m not doing everything I should.

* * *

Experience from my fleshy brain doesn’t matter.
Material. Numb. Medicated and subdued.
People are afraid of me. People hate my labels.
I cannot convince them all.
Universal consciousness abandoned.

* * *

Typing on my laptop makes a rhythmic beat on my keyboard. Exquisite, until I need a word I can’t spell.

Cow Sick (Distance trilogy)

She wants to run away
Into a strangers arms
Weaponised love; accepted

Her parents don’t care
Grandparents say she can cook
That’s her pitch

What will happen once you arrive
Lost and stranded
Strange land; distant people

She does it because she will care
Barely an adult; thin promise
A hope of better quality of life

Cut paper; cut fingers
Blood on her letters
She’s lost control; the words are empty

She wants an empty suit
A man who works
A leaf on the tallest tree

Promises, promises
What is she after
She doesn’t know; she knows that much

Do you believe in radical acceptance?
No?
Oh.
Well think about it. It could help.

The world will be out to get you wherever you run. You cannot hide from yourself. Where can you go to seek shelter from pain? Within. In peace. In constant love. Conceptual romance. No bonds or knots. Alone or together. You will be fine. You will be at rest.

Foul hole bog (Distance trilogy)

Ghoul under my skin
Tell her my secrets
Make me question everything

Ol’ time radio 1998
Worn out side B
Digital watch never ticks

Fuck me sideways
I’ve forgotten my glasses
Lost resting on my head

I let you out
When I shout to you
I say nothing

I keep my mouth shut
Stapled; filed away
Along with the false and fragile

Agonising about the future
I feel pain in my shoulder
No sleep ever again

I slept well
Last night I sewed
Embroidering life lessons

Scarf face mask
I will not steal
Closed shop. Too much wind.

This Miserable Virus (Distance trilogy)

Walls and mazes
dead ends
forgotten beginnings

Just let me
finish licking my fur
Then feed me

Petal in a book
sacrificed
for future reference

Give me a smile
not mine to receive
a delicate frown

Saved from myself
by myself
alone

Patient picnic
the same meal
yesterday’s best moment

With a friend
time passes
quick to react

Weight
gain and loss
seek balance

Playing a game
holding aces
never letting go

Rain

Comatose hair
Frazzled ember
Fire red
Burning November
rain.

Blood drops
You hold it in a dream
With a cry
A stifled supressed scream
silently.

Year of the pig
The cleverest beast
No future is clear
Even looking east
sunrise.

Mountain top
Isn’t my body
Not good enough
Feeling myself shoddy
workmanship.

Grasped chance
Lost ruins
Opportunity knocks
Wait ten mins
later.

Honest broker
Keep in touch
Doesn’t understand
Isn’t much
use.

Forgotten memories
Already missing
I’ll write them down
Still pissing
rain.

What will we do?

A rainbow opposite the sun as the rain patters down on my yellow coat.
As I splash through the puddles rings erupt radiating from the drop’s root.
A brown tree drinks silently in this weather its inhabitants shelter, mostly, from the damp.
The purple plastic pollution that litters the ground looks like a human horror show.

We will wake the mammoths from the permafrost. The lakes will rise from the glaciers. The oceans will grow eroding all before them. Youth will suffer. Their children will suffer more. Will we do nothing?

Let’s drown our hatred and anger.
Seeing red mist float above the ever swelling sea.
No fish left. A bluebottle flies over plastic soup.
Let’s get in the water and swim for our lives.

Equality further away. Social division. Maths ignored at school; replaced by patriotism. Debt ever increasing. The few are taking control. Support is falling apart and our health is taken for granted. Will we do nothing?

Watching the world from your white house on the hill.
We hate you and all you stand for.
Wet from your ignorant spew we can turn you green.
A change from the orange burn of your hostile heated hatred.

What will we do?

Relationship Autopsy

A ghost in my left hand. Air in my right.
A fight for my mind starts and lasts all night.
Why should I do this? I don’t have to do that?
A cat gently breathing. Waking up. Emergency lick of it’s leg! Back to sleep.
I’m sorry if it seemed I didn’t care.
I really did. I just didn’t know I had to lick my leg.

I have new plans but I miss you.

A light is on in the bedroom

A boy watches silhouettes walk around the neighbour’s house.

The light’s on in the bedroom. Are they alone tonight? Or tomorrow or any given night this week?

Night windows show the post declutter calm. A sad anticlimax and an empty room. Lonely footsteps back and forth. A wait of the modern age.

They don’t care if they don’t reply. He can’t see the tears landing on their phone. Waiting for a message while they sleep. It is folly.