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I can’t release this

The weather sure has been interesting these past phew days. I’ve not been able to get my usual daily outdoor mediation done at all recently for the last while since last week but I’ve been thinking a lot and being who I am is the most important thing to me. I think that’s important to me. It’s the kind of important thing like that that I’ve forgotten about the importance of. Mediation is important to me. 

Anyway I’ve got to deflate this inflatable yoga mat taking up space in the drawing rum. I’ve been sketching for the last past prior weeks and my downward dog has really and importantly like improving a lot. I read that doing yoga is actually mediation according to the Dali Llama but I can’t decide weather the transcendental mediation is actually better because you can prey to Angels at the same time when you lose concentration. 

I have been in seven difficult vintage antic shops today but I think three of them had the same owner as they all said Argos above the door. I bought some vintage craft clothes from one tho and it was only £3 more than new. But that’s okay because vintage clothes go up in value. I accidentally broke some 700 year old antics in one of the shops and had to pay for it. It was a vase which had been painted white and blue but they gave me a £500 discount on it because I bought some of their heratige artisan bread. Only cost me £12,000 in the end which is cheap for antics at the end of the day. 

I must sign off diary because Tamara Knight Buttery-Smythe and Teddy Bear Buttery-Smythe have started to cry. Goodnight. 

Otterly Buttery-Smythe October 2020

I love cake! (Trigger warning)

The worst things I’ve said are when I accidentally gaslighted one of my oldest friends in a psychotic meltdown tied with accusing a member of my family of childhood sexual assault due to false memories.

So be the kindest you can be and if you make a mistake it’s ok be kind next time. I hope I have learned this for myself. I know I’ve done and said things I regret and it hurts everyone involved. I’ll have to be kind and forgive myself. Try harder. Be better. Smile more. If I’m distressed I’ll try to show it appropriately. If I’m happy I’ll try to spread it.


2 Counsellors

*Two counsellors are at the office party, are a little drunk, and have been flirting at work for the last few months.*

Counsellor Y: I love you.
Counsellor Z: Eep! I love you too. You are such an amazing person.
Y: You are the only person who thinks that. I appreciate that. I am not though.
Z: You’re not what?
Y: An amazing person. I’m actually pretty terrible. I can be a right prick.
Z: Well, you are actually very good and besides, you aren’t as terrible as I am.
Y: I am. I will show you one day but I hope I never do.
Z: I can’t imagine it. You are kind and generous.
Y: And I jump to conclusions and feel resentful about things in my past.
Z: Don’t we all. Don’t beat yourself up. You’ll just get depressed.
Y: And you might not able to help when I feel depressed.
Z: I can try. I care about you so much.
Y: If only you cared about yourself that much.
Z: Then I would be happier I guess.
Y: You should work on things to make you happier.
Z: I can’t think of anything. I have no good qualities.
Y: Socialise more.
Z: Maybe, maybe not, I get very anxious when I’m alone.
Y: Yeah but you feel happy around me.
Z: Well I think about you a lot when you’re not around.
Y: But don’t feel happy?
Z: I do but it depends what else is going on.
Y: I feel happy when I’m alone I wish I could share that with you.
Z: You can. I want to see you happy.
Y: I get petulant with other people.
Z: I can’t imagine you being petulant.
Y: Well I have been in the past.
Z: My past has been difficult.
Y: The past is overrated. Just another thing to feel bad about. You’ve got the present and the future.
Z: My past is my everything. It’s completely valid.
Y: I’m jumping to conclusions that you’re jumping conclusions about something I said.
Z: I don’t know what you mean.
Y: I can’t explain.
Z: I want some support about my past trauma.
Y: So how did it make you feel?
Z: Traumatised!
Y: We should look at it another way. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with being traumatised?
Z: Nothing apart from the trauma, the lifetime of pain, and the flashbacks. No there obviously nothing wrong it.
Y: Let me rephrase that…
Z: You just like me being traumatised. You prick.
Y: I thought you thought I was an amazing person?
Z: Well you were before you started being a prick.
Y: I warned you I was a terrible person.
Z: You were right.
Y: I was right as usual.
Z: Prick.