Category Archives: Plays

Wanted (unfinished)

A play:

 

Wanted:

 

A nice outlandish wrist watch

—scene one—

Noo Yolk, Upstate Pembrokeshire

Midsummer’s Day

2000 Hours (8pm, not two thousand hours…)

In a field of sound, and grass, Smáhestur is sat with Nobbily Clive, a man with a notably unusual beard. The sun was low in the sky, a few clouds were in the sky but the weather was fine.

Nobbily Clive:

Some time ago a man named Hákon Sigurðsson was spotted with paint across his upper body dancing foolishly on the north eastern plains. Smáhestur, I want you to find him and extract as much wisdom as possible from him and write it down.

Smáhestur stretches out her arms and adjusts her posture.

Smáhestur:

Was this also the man whose lopi sweater was found used as a flag far over beyond the frosty hills of Dilmah’s archipelago across the causeway of many dooms to the hill overlooking the entrance to the depolarisation chasm?

Nobbily Clive:

Perhaps it was. Perhaps indeed… He certainly wasn’t sweating when we found him, it was a cold day and he probably could have done with a suitable over garment. A lopi sweater would suited him down to the ground, with its water resistant and yet warm fleece-like fibres. There is a chance the sweater in question was his.

Smáhestur:

The depolarisation chasm has never knowingly been entered. Do you think Hákon could have somehow entered the chasm and returned to dance on the north eastern plains?

Nobbily Clive:

That certainly is a possibility.

Smáhestur:

Then I will set off towards the north eastern plains immediately.

Nobbily Clive:

You must not. Please, please, make haste to beyond the frosty hills of Dilmah’s archipelago across the causeway of many dooms to the hill overlooking the entrance to the depolarisation chasm to retrieve the lopi sweater. We can then examine it to see if it truly belonged to Hákon… Besides that, it will keep you warm.

Smáhestur:

It’s a 5 day journey by boat to the archipelago. When will I see you again?

Nobbily Clive ponders this for some time.

Nobbily Clive:

You will see me when you next fall asleep.

Smáhestur:

Huh?

Nobbily Clive:

I’m just kidding you, this isn’t a dream… yet.

Smáhestur:

OK…

Nobbily Clive:

Sorry.

Smáhestur:

Nevermind… I will find a fisherman at the port and persuade him to sail me to the archipelago.

Nobbily Clive:

If you hurry you might find Safish in the tavern there. He has a lot of knowledge of the seas around the archipelago. He also knows some of the fishermen around there. Here, take this bottle of ‘Brennivín’ and this bag of coins. Take care Smáhestur.

Smáhestur:

Thank you.

Smáhestur packs up her belongings and provisions for the first part of the journey and makes her way down towards the tavern at the port.

—End of scene one—

—scene two—

The Mushroom Tavern, Quayside

The tavern is a little more than empty, the grey walls with their grey decoration of grey pictures of the grey sea do little to brighten the scene. The Landlord is stood in silence with a local fisherman, Safish. Until…

Landlord:

Ahahahaha!

Safish:

What’s wrong? Is it me, or you?

Landlord:

No, it’s nothing. You wouldn’t find it funny anyway…

Safish:

Why not? Go on, tell me!

Landlord:

Ok, well, the wife was writing a letter to the brewery and signed it; ‘Lardlord and Landlady’!

Safish:

That’s not very nice, did she mean it? I mean, you’re not fat.

Lardlord:

Well she said it was a typing error. I thought to myself; ‘perhaps she wants rid of me’ or ‘she’s having an affair’ but then I thought; ‘why should I be so paranoid?’ she’s the wife for crying out loud.

Safish:

Yeah, just take it one day at a time. Before my Ólöf died; we used to sail around the sea just the two of us, there was no reason to get paranoid about her running off but I did. I think sometimes the best option is to laugh or just smile.

The Lardlord smiles.

Lardlord:

I suppose that’s what it’s all about.

Safish:

Yeah, well, the secret to always having a smile close to hand is…

Safish is distracted by the noise of shouting people approaching the door, he looks toward the window (which happens to be grey) which is clattering in the wind.

hold up you’ve got customers!

Lardlord:

Customers… yes – you’re right, customers truly are the secret to smiling!

Safish:

The winds are getting up – in more ways than one you might not want to know. I must check on my boat. Please excuse my absence.

Safish leaves the Tavern.

Identical twins Sindri and Gylfi burst through the door with loud voices and big smiles.

Sindri:

Mine’s a pint of your best please Landlord.

Gylfi:

Mines… Mine’s a deep shaft partially surrounded by a vessel suitable to drink beverages from which includes your very best alcoholic drink filled to the brim please.

Sindri:

What? Oh, haha! You’re on form tonight, I’ll give you that.

Landlord:

Here you go gentlemen. Cold out there is it?

Gylfi and Sindri reply at the same time:

Yes.

Gylfi:

The wind travels fast and the temper bites.

Landlord:

Well, I heard there was a fire breathing dragon seen from afar o’er the snow capped mountain they call the star reaching peak in the lands between here and the southern coast. The local militia are giving it a free reign and hoping it moves on.

Sindri:

Crikey! I was planning a sail around the archipelago there off the south coast. Maybe it’ll be gone before I set off in two weeks time. Gylfi, your beard is in my drink.

Gylfi:

Is it? Oh aye, it should be gone by then if they leave it alone. A lingering dragon spells danger for your trip my friend. As you know I saw a dragon kill ‘six and one or half a dozen and the other’ people whilst on my travels in the far north east. It had settled a by a small village killing livestock for food. The farmers were so angry they placed snares and an elaborate trap. The dragon didn’t fall foul; it simply killed the farmers and burnt the village. It stayed in the area to remind those onlookers of its power for many years.

Sindri:

If only it’d burned off your beard, Gylfi. It is a right bedraggled mess.

Gylfi:

Haha! My beard is made from iron mined by the short people of the west! It shall be a fixture on my face for as long as I live.

Landlord:

A likely story, it’s just grey that’s all. More drinks?

Gylfi and Sindri reply together:

Yes.

Making hardly a noise Smáhestur carefully yet assertively steps into the Tavern.

Smáhestur:

I am looking for a man named Safish. Is he here?

Landlord:

He has left not long ago to check on his boat.

Smáhestur:

Which boat is it? I require a favour from him.

Landlord:

It is called Alltígóðulagi, take care out there.

Sindri:

Take care.

Smáhestur:

Thank you.

—end of scene two—

—start of scene three—

A very misted over, foggy location. Gravity isn’t what it seems and the place is recognisable yet strangely different.

Sveinbjörn:

Hahahahaha. Aahahahahahahaha. Mwahahahahaha. Pass the laughing gas, you ugly hulk of a creature. I feel unhappy and it’s your fault.

Önnungur:

Uh, I shall honour your wish. Though there is not one season goes by where-in I am not angry that you summoned me here.

Önnungur gives Sveinbjörn a dirty look but eventually passes him the laughing gas.

Sveinbjörn:

I’ll summon a troll from your rotting corpse one of these days if you don’t shut up.

Önnungur:

Uh.

Sveinbjörn:

Did you hear that?

Önnungur:

Uh, I hear so many things I don’t know which sound you are talking about.

Sveinbjörn:

Shush, listen, someone’s walking towards us.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure:

I have travelled far to find you. O great Svein. I am called Nobbily Clive and soon I will be in possession of a knitted relic of wondrous origin and tremendous power.

Sveinbjörn:

How does this involve me? May I ask… Am I of the understanding that you want me to wield such a relic?

Nobbily Clive:

Indeed. Your foresight impresses me. The knitted relic is currently being used as a flag near the entrance to the depolarisation chasm. I have sent someone to find it for us. You will be able to find her wearing it outside the chasm.

Sveinbjörn:

Wearing it, as in wielding it?

Nobbily Clive:

Well, it’ll keep her as warm as you would be if you were wielding such a powerfully warming relic. She won’t be able to resist it’s temptation.

Sveinbjörn:

You are a bit strange, aren’t you Clive?

Nobbily Clive:

Yes.

Önnungur:

Uh, He does have a point though. It does get cold around here, and you could do with a new ‘look’.

Sveinbjörn:

Did I order you to speak, minion?

Önnungur:

Uh, No.

Nobbily Clive:

Your giant friend is right… Your style is awful.

Sveinbjörn:

I need my anaesthetic. First however I shall kill you for insulting me. You insolent waste of space!

—end of scene three—

—start of scene four—

Smáhestur wakes up suddenly with a sharp intake of breath. She seems to be in a cabin of small sea vessel. It is night, yet the room is well lit with candles. On the floor there is a sword, a dish of smelling salts and a plateful of nuts. After picking up the smelling salts and eating the nuts she exits the cabin to find Safish standing there.

Smáhestur:

Hello, do you know how I got here?

Safish:

Yes. You were unconscious on the Quayside, it was windy and cold, so I carried you aboard my boat.

Smáhestur:

I had a bag, where is it?

Safish points to a bag by his feet.

Oh, well, thank you. What is your name?

Safish:

My name is Safish.

Smáhestur:

Aha! I was seeking you. I believe we have a mutual friend; Nobbily Clive.

Safish:

A man I am greatly indebted to.

Smáhestur:

Why is that?

Safish:

He saved my life.

Smáhestur:

Well, I saved his life once. It seems like boasting now, yet at the time, it felt like nothing.

Safish:

Okay, well, what were you seeking me for?

Smáhestur:

I need to go to the hill overlooking the depolarisation chasm. Do you know where that is?

Safish:

I know the vague direction of it.

Smáhestur:

Good, although I don’t know how fast your vessel is, I would estimate that it will take 2 weeks.

Safish:

If the wind is with us, your guess could be spot on!

Smáhestur:

Sweet. Let’s go!

Safish:

Okay! Do you know how to sail?

Smáhestur:

Yes.

Safish:

Good. Can you help me sort out the sails?

Smáhestur has a distant look in eyes, noticing a flock of pigeons is on the horizon but she can’t quite make them out.

Smáhestur:

No, I want to get more rest.

Safish:

That is understandable. Here is your bag.

Safish passes Smáhestur her bag.

Smáhestur:

Thanks.

Smáhestur walks back to the cabin but before she enters she notices a robin hopping along the top of the mast’s boom. She smiles at it, expecting to fly off. Instead it speaks one word. ‘Doom’. Unmoved Smáhestur goes inside the cabin and lies on a hammock.

—end of scene four—

—start of scene five—

In the place that is recognisable yet strangely different. Sveinbjörn is wiping what looks like blood off his staff.

Sveinbjörn:

Well that was quite gruesome.

Önnungur:

Indeed. I am sorry though.

Sveinbjörn:

Sorry? That’s not even the start of it!

Önnungur:

I only got a bit of it on your staff, the rest went on the food.

Sveinbjörn:

Aaarrrgh.

Önnungur:

You made me jump though, that’s why I got tomato sauce on your staff.

Sveinbjörn:

I sneezed because that oaf Clive threw pepper at my nose and then he got away! Why didn’t you stop him?

Önnungur:

You didn’t tell me to.

Sveinbjörn:

I’ll have you doing my laundry for the next three years now.

Önnungur:

Oh no you won’t.

Sveinbjörn:

What!?

Önnungur:

I said, oh no you won’t.

Sveinbjörn:

How dare you disobey me! How can you disobey me? I summoned you here from the dark realm to be my loyal servant. You are bound by the power of magic!

Önnungur:

Maybe so, but you don’t know who I am yet, do you?

Sveinbjörn:

Okay, who are you?

Önnungur:

I am not your servant. I am not Önnungur the allegiant! My name is Hákon Sigurðsson!

Sveinbjörn reaches for his staff and shouts an enchantment, there is a flash of light but it has no effect on Hákon.

Hákon:

You’ll find that your power is no longer with you. Your knowledge is leaving you and your magic is no longer effective.

Hákon turns his back to Sveinbjörn and walks towards a startling white light that has appeared.

—end of scene five—

—start of scene six—

Smáhestur wakes up with the sun in her eyes. She leaves the cabin and find Safish who seem shocked.

Safish:

You’re awake!

Smáhestur:

And what of it? Did I lie in?

Safish:

Just a bit! You’ve been asleep for a week!

Smáhestur:

Blimey. I’ve never done that before.

Safish:

I was worried!

Smáhestur:

I am worried! A week you say?

Safish:

Yes.

Smáhestur:

I feel fine.

Safish:

Good.

Smáhestur:

What’s that?

Safish looks around to see what Smáhestur means. Flying towards them is a huge dragon.

Safish:

It’s a dragon!

Smáhestur:

Stay calm, we must stay inside the cabin and it might ignore us.

Safish:

Good idea.

As Safish and Smáhestur enter the cabin, the dragon soon flies overhead grabbing the mast in its massive claws. With three almighty flaps of its wings the dragon removes the mast clean from the boat splitting the boat in two.

Smáhestur:

Quick! Set up the life-raft!

Safish:

Okay! Jump on!

Safish and Smáhestur get on the life-raft and watch the boat sink. With just a bag and a bottle of  ‘Brennivín’ as supplies. The dragon flies away.They paddle the raft towards the shore.

—end of scene six—

—start of scene seven—