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Light Hearted

Every time I let out a sigh,

I begin to see little birds fly.

Yet, I can catch one if I move quick.

Or is it about choosing one to pick?

Too late! My chance has gone.

Now there is night where the sun shone.

If they were dozing by day and sleeping at nightfall…

I’d just pick one up and then I’d walk tall.

But no, awake, and with wings they fly.

Every time I let out a sigh.

Behind a stare

What goes on behind a stare?

I don’t know but it’s hardly fair,

To blame me for your lousy mood.

I just can’t help looking at you.

What can I do to cheer you up?

Should I smile at you as I look?

It occurs to me that you are free.

So help me see what puzzles thee.

Once I knew a girl whose hair was curled.

Kind and smiled like she owned the world.

But she only made me bitter and twisted.

Like an ale mixed with lemons or something…

Write: Wrong or Left

Write: wrong or left.

Wrong or left. I wrote.

The ramblings of a so called addled brain.

Controlled by medication not to go insane.

You have good looks and knowledge deep.

Counts for nothing when you’re asleep.

Certain that there’s no perfection. Things seem mundane.

In the absence of this, there’s a aroma so sweet. These things from the void light up his face. The light, the everlasting glow. The love, the fountain of original gifts.

So remember Miss, when he approaches the lamppost, he cannot decide which way to walk around. He’s stood, just waiting.

Emotional Pain

Felt like I was getting stabbed by invisible daggers through the heart whilst gently having my throat slashed last night. If anyone says to me ever that emotions are all in the mind I will proceed to call them a fool.

When I was 6

Between the ages of three and six years old I had a reason not to give up, an ambition for life, a purpose. A future.

I wanted more than anything, to be, when I grew up, an apple tree. I wanted to live in the corner of a beautiful garden getting visits from the birds and the bees. I wanted the wind to blow my branches to provide hugs and to drop my delicious apples to feed those who were hungry. I liked the idea of being stationary. I had moved from a large bed in my own room to the attic. It was the first night after we got the latest in roof windows installed, which were the fashion at the time.

I had had a pleasant day talking to the old plasterer. I only remember he was old so he was about 16 – 90+. He had an old hat. Possibly a flat cap, a popular accessory among the pensioners of the area. He had done a good job with a smooth finish, so much so i would stroke the wall around the window just to appriciate the smoothness.

It was later that day it happened… Night came as I lay in my bed. It used to be bunk beds but my Dad had sawed them in two to become two single beds. Mine was the bottom bunk. Anyway, I couldn’t sleep that night. I had been awake for hours. Lying there, just looking through the roof window, the light pollution of the city bled darkness into the sky. The stars were out…

My earliest favourite reading books were about counting to ten and basic science for children. They were mostly published by Penguin or Puffin. One of the books said stars were giant burning balls of gas just like the sun. I must have been read this book recently because it was then it dawned on me.

Never before had I contemplated what I was. What life was. What I was doing here. I was the sort of child whose main sad thought up until that moment was ‘other people can’t have been around before me… I would’ve remembered them.’ And that was only sad because people would laugh and dismiss this truth. It was soon to come when a moment in time happened, where I would become disappointed. Too scared. Too afraid of what was. I felt reality’s full force. All its fierce flames and its endless meaning.

I no longer could accept my future would be being an apple tree. I felt my branches had fallen off and my apples were rotten on the ground. All my hopes and dreams faded into darkness in that second. Into the space between the supposedly giant balls of burning gas, my mind was lost. I was a dead tree’s stump in a great wasteland where nothing was alive. I was null and void. I was minute. Smaller than the smallest speck of dirt on the new glass of the roof window. Against these giant balls of burning gas the size of dots against the deep, ongoing, pure black of space. I was insignificant…

And so, it had happened… So, I reacted, I ran down the attic stairs, across the landing past the door of room, I did a hair-pin turn like a frantic rally car on a tight muddy track, down the stairs again I ran, I reached the bottom and without losing any momentum I took a quick right into the brightness of the front room. My mum was there, stood hands on her skirt, warming her arse by the fire. I had slowed down by now and was pacing slowly towards her, under the headache inducing light. It was then I bent my neck back, looking up at her face, a formidable five foot and half an inch off the ground. She looked back down at me. Her pale face, no make up, pointing down at me, crushing her chin in two. She looked as she had seen a ghost… “Mum! Its all too big! I can’t cope!” I said. “What is?” She replied, her voice quivering. “Everything. Everything is.”

Three Certain Things

Three things are certain in life:

1. uncertainty
2. death
3. change

Could sound depressing that but turn it around…. 

1. I’ve always loved surprises, big or small.
2. Everyone dies one day and no one knows what happens next. Thinking about death is like pressing fast forward on your favourite music.
3. Sure, life can be shit, but change is the biggest thing in the universe! Change has always been there, and will go on for ever. Did a god or spirit create the universe? Maybe but before that there was change. Change will always be around. May as well embrace it!

I don’t know. If, but, and… do.

If change is infinite yet we experience stuff. Then perhaps stuff that we’ve experienced can be experienced again. Maybe from a different perspective. What’s going on? I don’t know. Why? I don’t know.

I like to think that infinity is absolute experience but also something beyond that. I currently experience things with this body and mind, in mostly similar places (all physical things). If you remember the possibility of infinite possibilities, it is maybe possible that once this physical experience is over, (Perhaps our visible universe dies and restarts a few times or something) maybe they’ll be something different to experience, something less painful, or something more painful. It’s all speculation. I honestly have no answers. Who knows?

I’m probably complicating things.

The idea is simple. Change is about cause and effect, a process, present as the laws of physics are now. But even change itself is subject to change. Whose to say when we’re all dead the laws of physics won’t eventually change? They’ve changed since the very early universe according to the large hadron collider (or so I am led to believe).

Whatever you think. Accept you thought it. Accept that eventually, it might be of no consequence. Things change. Things are destroyed and created all the time. Why? Can any living thing really know? Even the smartest brains are only a limited size after all.

Speaking for myself. It’s important to respect other’s right to think and believe what they want and like. I’m very cautious and careful about so many things. Just, in life I seem to have too much ‘faith’ in what could possibly be. I don’t fear death, nor do I understand it. However, I do want to enjoy life in the present at the same time, and a lot of my caution is preprogrammed (genetics/upbringing/instinct). I’m not a risk taker. That could change though.

Blue Wales of my eyes

“What’s wiv all da H’s in your name dude!?”

Ummm…. I don’t know, what my given names mean to you.
It shouldn’t mean a thing, I hope it doesn’t, that is true.
Softly spoken answers to questions, aren’t always real (no).
It’s just a dream I had once, doesn’t mean a great deal (two U).

Anyway, I digress:

H is for Hollow, H is for all the great Hopes,
H is for the Horrid times, by, H is for History.

With many thanks in big ways I point my hands north,
Blue takk helps sticking ceiling space to the pours,
The texture of the paper on what my friends do draw,
Times I look at the maps to remember what my brain is four.

So:

H is for Hollow, H is for all the great Hopes,
H is for the Horrid times, by, H is for History.

I hear U calling out through my record player,
Something I can’t quite make out, someting I did not hear,
Whatever, nevermind, I will not let it dwell,
Sometimes, somethings just don’t go so well.

So shhhhhhhhh:

H is for Hollow, H is for all the great Hopes,
H is for the Horrid times, by, H is for History.

An Earthling’s engWish

“John are you ‘avin’ diss for tea?”
“Neyow!!!!”

I will refer to your look, as a light, happy, glance.
With a hue just off blue, that caused a dot to dance.

Collectively we are a shape. Not knowing what it is.
Parameters of what were; are, changing!

Hiss, for a happy life:
Hiss, body will be healthy.
Hiss, goals will be plenty,
Always a future for you.

Never asked to be born, but I have to thank you for a chance.
The inspirations, the artists and singers, the individuals, all of them, thanks.
All of them, alone or together, on this soil, on this Earth.
From myself, you will never know, you own true worth.

Smile, my friends, smile.
Smile, my friends, smile.
Smile, my friends, smile.
Smile, my friends, smile.
Smile.

I will refer to your look, as a light, happy, glance.
With a hue just off blue, that caused a dot to dance.

Where are you from, and where are you from?
You were cooking for us, now,
This Sheff is cooking up a meal,
I just want you to have this steel.

{echo until fade}

Saved by an elf

Me saved, you entered my head in a wavy dream,
I’m fine, you gave me art sweeter than Ice Cream!

A story, It was so good it taught to sing songs too,
Before I go, I’ll need some support from friends, just a few.

I jog along, getting fitter everyday, under 13 stones now – always been lucky for me.
I’m never off my psychic phones, texted out messages, picking up calls, I do it free.

Oh what I am saying!
Small mercies, I’ll do anything….
Anything, just to see myself see the light at night,
I’d go through self put fright after fright.

Cancel my appointments,
recognoise my voice, tonight.

Listen, I can’t concentrate in this vacuum.
Show me previews of what life can be like.

Er..flume.

I’ll never be perfect, but anything is to me.
I’m difficult, but the easiest person you’ll meet.

I’m going to change,
I’m going to change,
I’m going to change,
I’m changing now.

Now-ow-ow
Now-ow-ow
Now-ow-ow
Now-ow-ow

Me, I’m saved, I scream your art now, it’s what Ice Cream.

Now.

{echo until fade}

Cân Gymreig

Cofio (beth yw) coginio.
Arnofio (dim mwy).

Cyn y nghysgod cawl pysgod.
Gwelwch! Oh! Gwelwch yn dda! Gweld dwbl, gyda fi. Pysgod chwythu gysan!

Coginio dim mwy.
Llysieuol. Llysieuol. Llysieuol. Llysieuol. Warchod dim mwy.